How Parents Can Relate to Their Teen

Text by Heather Seftel-Kirk

Parenting a teen can be the most demanding job ever taken on. Anyone who tells you parenting a toddler is the biggest challenge you can face hasn’t been a parent to a teen. Teens today are exposed to so much more than we ever were. As a parent, how do you relate to your teen and build a relationship that works?

If you’ve had a close relationship with your child all along, you’re off to a good start. If you always had a relationship that encouraged communication, respect and closeness, that will be a building-block as they get older. Kids, whatever their age, need to feel connected to their parents. They need to understand your values and expectations, and respect the choices you’ve made in your life. If they have that, you have solid ground to stand on for whatever is to come.

If you want to have a good relationship with your teen, be ready to listen when they’re ready to talk. I recall one Mom deciding not to work outside the home when her children were in their teens because she found that if anything happened at school or with friends, her kids were most ready to talk when they first got home from school, not later when she could decide she had time to listen to them. Being open and ready to listen when your teen is ready to talk will benefit both of you.

Another part of good relationships and good listening is being really ready to listen and not judge. If your teen wants to tell you about someone at school who has done something really awful and how they feel about it, jumping all over the bad behavior of the other teen and making judgments about them and their actions is going to either stop the conversation dead or make your teen hold back for fear of similar judgment.

If you want to be a good parent to your teen, and have a strong relationship, be a parent. I know you’ve all heard that you can’t be a buddy to your child and still parent your child and it’s true. Part of staying in parent mode means finding a way to be honest without telling all. Admitting you did something you regretted as a young person yourself is a lot different than going into detail and reliving the scene with your child. Besides losing their respect, did you ever listen when someone said, “Do what I say not what I do.”

When your teen challenges you, as they almost certainly will, remember that bad choices do not make bad kids. Just because your child has made a poor choice or has acted regrettably, it does not make them a bad child. You need to get past the action and look at the child, your child, and the reasons and motivations behind their actions.

Love them, listen to them and accept them and you’re on your way to a relationship that will survive the teen years.